My History of Depression

I have decided to talk about depression after being struggling with it for so long. It doesn't matter how many will get to read this but as long as one person read this and find help and solace in it, I think it is well worth it.  I will try to pen down my thoughts about my own struggles and how I overcome it. Hopefully it will be a journey of healing and self-discovery.

So who am I and what do I do? I am a fairly successful man in my early 40s heading a sales organisation in Asia. I am married with 2 kids. With a high income and wise investments over the years, I owned several properties. I am probably respected (you can't be sure, can you?) for my abilities in the industry. If you were to ask me if i forsee myself to be so successful during those dark days? Absolutely not. I don't even have the ability then to decide what to eat for lunch or dinner, let alone run an organisation.

I have a total of 4 major depression. One when I was in my teenage days, another in my early 20s, then my mid-20s and the most recent in my late 30s. The last was about 5 years ago. How do i get depression? I have no idea. Every time i over the period of depression, I thought I have become stronger and nothing will get me anymore. And I was wrong. It appears that I am just hiding my feelings till it strike the next time. It can be some triggers that come out of nowhere. I think my usual trigger is when my self worth or capabilities are in question.

Depression is not something that you can just snap out of it contrary to what many thinks. It takes alot of mental strength and support to get you through it all. I think there are many treatments but not all works for everyone which is why there are still so many that still suffers from it despite being treated continuously. Medication might do some help as it has to do with some chemicals in your brain that is lacking. 

Do I think about suicide during those dark days? Absolutely. There are just so much pain to bear that I just want to end it all. I just feel totally helpless and totally lack of vitality. Feel worthless, lost of interest in all things, feels that life is meaningless.  I have even tried seeing psychologist, hypnotherapist and even pastors. The first two are really expensive and didn't work for me. The hypnotherapist is especially bad as I find that they are untrained opportunist who is out to make quick money.  You can even be a certified hypnotherapist in just 5 days. Well, that hypnotherapist that I went to turn out to be a crook. Fortunately, I did not part any of my money as my instinct took over even though I am not being myself. They wanted to be commit a large sum of money first before they start anything. In many instances, there are just many people out there taking advantage of the weak.  I was one of them and actually very desperate to get help. 

What type of people gets depression? I don't really know and haven't gotten to find that out yet. Not even sure if there's any particular type of personality that gets depression. There's actually shame and stigma with depression which is why so many people hides their affliction. Will I get it again? Well, I don't know and I hope not but I hope I will be able to overcome it once again. I do hope that i can show these sufferers that you can overcome this illness and be normal or even thrive.