Damage of Depression

Most people who are not familiar with depression might think that there's not much damage it can cause since it is all in the mind and not physical. Sometimes what is in the mind is the most damaging.

Depression takes a toll on the heart. My depression was a major one. I used to have panic attack and worries all the time. Over a long period of time I am sure it has done some damage to my heart.

Might even lose friends. During depression, i have caused so much problems to have friends and family that I am surprised some still stays with me. It has caused some permanent damage to some of my friends but the rest stays with me. i believed some of my friends despise me for some of my behaviors but I don't blame them as I was hiding the fact that i am going through depression during those period.

The greatest toll it will take on you will be your family members. My wife has suffered the most during this ordeal lasting 3-5 months. She has been always patient, very encouraging and will to listen to me. However, I will always drift back to the dark moments of negativity that she ultimately also lost abit of patience. Can you imagine me waking her up early in the morning like 3am or 5am asking her to talk to me? Or telling her I have panic attack? I did this for months but I is really not intentional. I just do not know how to cope with it when i have panic attack. By the way, she works full time too so you can see it is a very trying time to live with someone going through depression. Without her, i do not think i am able to overcome my depression. She is the most important support during those times.   During those period, i can't believed that she will love a person like me with such an affliction. I felt that i am weak and totally unlovable. She stuck by me and support me all the way regardless of my decision. She is constantly worried and looking for help for me. Be it looking for treatment such as therapy or friends or families to talk to. She was also at a lost and not knowing how to help me. She has suffered during those period and i believed she cried silently many times seeing me in that state.
Looking back, i am fortunate to have her as my support during those times. At least i did not give up and let her down.  

It was a dark and shameful period in my life that I hope i did not have to go through. However, it did happened and I have to live with it. At least, I am out of depression now and living quite well. I probably have to come to terms with my depression one day but I am not sure how. I will just keep writing and see where it leads me to. I believed the more i write, the more i will learn and recall about this terrible illness.

Symptoms of Depression

What are the symptoms of depression for me?

- feels life is meaningless
- complete lack of drive
- lack of interest in anything
- suicidal
- unable to smile
- always unhappy
- insomnia
- Wake up at the wrong hour (ie. very early morning)
- panic attack
- lost of confidence
- withdrawn. Just want to avoid everyone
- helplessness
- unable to decide even on simple things like what to eat/wear
- need someone to talk to

My History of Depression

I have decided to talk about depression after being struggling with it for so long. It doesn't matter how many will get to read this but as long as one person read this and find help and solace in it, I think it is well worth it.  I will try to pen down my thoughts about my own struggles and how I overcome it. Hopefully it will be a journey of healing and self-discovery.

So who am I and what do I do? I am a fairly successful man in my early 40s heading a sales organisation in Asia. I am married with 2 kids. With a high income and wise investments over the years, I owned several properties. I am probably respected (you can't be sure, can you?) for my abilities in the industry. If you were to ask me if i forsee myself to be so successful during those dark days? Absolutely not. I don't even have the ability then to decide what to eat for lunch or dinner, let alone run an organisation.

I have a total of 4 major depression. One when I was in my teenage days, another in my early 20s, then my mid-20s and the most recent in my late 30s. The last was about 5 years ago. How do i get depression? I have no idea. Every time i over the period of depression, I thought I have become stronger and nothing will get me anymore. And I was wrong. It appears that I am just hiding my feelings till it strike the next time. It can be some triggers that come out of nowhere. I think my usual trigger is when my self worth or capabilities are in question.

Depression is not something that you can just snap out of it contrary to what many thinks. It takes alot of mental strength and support to get you through it all. I think there are many treatments but not all works for everyone which is why there are still so many that still suffers from it despite being treated continuously. Medication might do some help as it has to do with some chemicals in your brain that is lacking. 

Do I think about suicide during those dark days? Absolutely. There are just so much pain to bear that I just want to end it all. I just feel totally helpless and totally lack of vitality. Feel worthless, lost of interest in all things, feels that life is meaningless.  I have even tried seeing psychologist, hypnotherapist and even pastors. The first two are really expensive and didn't work for me. The hypnotherapist is especially bad as I find that they are untrained opportunist who is out to make quick money.  You can even be a certified hypnotherapist in just 5 days. Well, that hypnotherapist that I went to turn out to be a crook. Fortunately, I did not part any of my money as my instinct took over even though I am not being myself. They wanted to be commit a large sum of money first before they start anything. In many instances, there are just many people out there taking advantage of the weak.  I was one of them and actually very desperate to get help. 

What type of people gets depression? I don't really know and haven't gotten to find that out yet. Not even sure if there's any particular type of personality that gets depression. There's actually shame and stigma with depression which is why so many people hides their affliction. Will I get it again? Well, I don't know and I hope not but I hope I will be able to overcome it once again. I do hope that i can show these sufferers that you can overcome this illness and be normal or even thrive.